Job update

 Soooo ... the bad news ... remember that translation job I've been waiting for?  Yeah, it's been delayed.  Pretty much indefinitely, in the sense that nobody knows exactly when the funding will come through.  It could be within a couple of weeks, or it could be a few months.

However, there are significant silver linings.  I can't even imagine how despondent this news would have made me, if I were still sitting at home (im)patiently waiting.  Instead, I had a ready-made job to step into.  Yes, now it is an official job, on the payroll and everything.  I'm making as much as I would make as a substitute teacher, and I don't want to look for anything more permanent quite yet.  I really want to do that translation job.  But in the meantime, I'm paying the bills.

Plus, this job is actually turning out to be surprisingly fulfilling.  I kinda expected to be mostly a personal secretary / errand girl ... not so much.  In fact, Ernesto has been in Italy for the past three weeks and I've never been busier.

 And, as most of you know, I'm really not a 9-to-5 kind of worker.  I spent TONS of extra hours as a teacher, and I really invest 110% in any job I care about.  As a result, even when I thought I'd be working elsewhere by now, I was really worried about leaving my position.  I've taken on some projects that nobody in the existing personnel pool has time to take over, and -- modestly speaking -- replacing me at this pay level would be nearly impossible.  So it feels good to be able to follow through a bit.

AND, I have learned a TON over the past couple of months. Mostly things that I never really aspired to know, but still ... good and useful things.  For example, I actually have a pretty decent idea of what it  takes to start up a restaurant, since I was instrumental in doing so (in fact, I'm constantly being asked if I'm the owner!). A couple of days ago I sat in on a meeting outlining the policies & responsibilities of mall tenants ... who would ever have thought I would be in a position to know about that?  I've interviewed and hired two BYU interns, and will probably be their primary go-to person.  I've created a menu for a weight loss program, calculating all the nutritional information and adapting the recipes for the needs of a restaurant kitchen, and I run the whole thing on a day-to-day basis except for the actual cooking of the food.

In other words, I have quite a lot of new skills for a resume!  I still hope to get back to work in the language field -- translating, editing, writing, teaching -- but you never know what life is going to throw at you.  Job experience is never a bad thing to have.

Authenticity

So, as I was saying ... a month with no posts.  There are a few reasons for that.  But here's a biggie.

For reasons that I will elaborate on shortly, the concept of authenticity has been on my mind quite a bit.  And it has posed a small problem with regards to this blog.  Well, two problems I guess.  First:  while it was a very purposeful choice to make this blog focus on optimism and hope (which, incidentally, I still think is a good way to go), it also means that I have to gloss over--or sometimes completely deny--my true feelings on the subject of divorce.  Because for me, it's a pretty clear-cut issue:  DIVORCE IS WRONG.  Even when it's necessary, even when it's the best solution for all concerned, it is still WRONG.

Let me 'splain.  I truly believe that if both spouses would do their best to follow the Savior, divorces would be virtually non-existent.

That doesn't mean we need to be perfect, of course -- we are all going to fall short at times.  Probably quite often.  Regardless, if we keep our eyes on the ultimate goal, and honestly strive for it with all our hearts, 99% of divorces don't need to happen.  I want to leave that 1% open, because I'm sure there are circumstances that I haven't thought of -- brain injuries for example, or permanent mental breakdowns.  But I can't think of a divorce offhand in which both spouses were doing their very best to make Christlike decisions and lead Christlike lives.

That is why I say it's wrong.  It is a byproduct of sin.  And it is always a tragedy.  When a sealing is involved, it is doubly so.  It's the death of an entire universe.

And it's my current reality.  And it feels very dishonest at times to ignore that.  Yes, I want to stay positive and have faith in the Lord's plan for me.  But the eternal future that I consecrated myself to is dying, and that is one hell of a tragedy.  Intentional word-play alert.

Now ... as I said, the authenticity issue involves a second problem.  It also forces me to deal with some feelings of guilt.  Because every time I say/think "Whew, what a relief to be off that crazy train!" ...  what am I really saying?  Am I being like Pontius Pilate, content to just wash my hands, and glad that somebody else will be left holding the bag come judgment day?

There are no easy answers, to be sure.  But, as always, it feels better to have the questions articulated. =)

Ah, so this thing IS on!

For some time I've been feeling a bit like I should tap on my figurative mike here ... testing, testing ... can anyone hear me?  Because--so I thought--here I've been pouring out my heart and soul (with illustrations, no less!) and nobody had left a single comment.  Then today I realized that it's been a month since I posted, so I logged in and voila!  Nine comments waiting to be moderated.  And yes, they date back to the beginning.  No idea where they've been hanging out all this time.  Ah well.  Good to hear from y'all. =)

Meanwhile, as I said, it's been a month since I posted.  Mostly because of that irritating tendency for things that were once crystal clear to get all fuzzy again.  Blah.

So anyway ... I'm gonna set aside some time on Sunday and try to make sense of a few things.  And for writers, the best way to do that is usually through writing.  Stay tuned ... =P

A day in the life ...

Some of you have asked ... exactly what does this "productive intermission" game plan involve?

Well, it's something resembling a job. =P  It isn't technically a job because I'm not technically employed or earning wages.  I'm helping out Ernesto in exchange for the purchase of a three-month weight loss program.  And it's in Provo, so I get to see Lizzie a  few times a week without taking up too much of her free time.  Pretty crazy how I got everything I wanted in one fell swoop, huh?  =)

I also say "something resembling a job" because it's actually closer to being a mom:  no firm job description and no set hours!  Today, for example ... I photographed a bunch of kitchen equipment, hauled a few boxes of gelato mix, visited the site of the food court restaurant that's opening soon, set appointments for home improvement estimates, made arrangements for a catered dinner, and wrote some promotional letters & invitations.  Then I picked up Lizzie so we could chat about some stuff going on in her life, took her to this GREAT Italian place I know =P, stopped by Ernesto's to coordinate and to pick up my weight loss stuff (yay!!), dropped Liz off on campus, and got home around 7:00.  Whew.

Most days I do a bit of packing and/or sorting when I get home.  Some days, like today, I just crrrrrrash.  After an hour or so, I'm back up and writing the next day's emails.

Tiring? yep.  Crazy? oh yeah.  Precisely what I need right now? absolutely. =)

Sleeping Beauty, new chapters, and why I actually have it pretty darn good

 I guess it goes without saying that the topic of "what do I do now" has been on my mind a lot.  How do I write Chapter III of the Book of Lisa. =)  And, like most things in life, it's a delicate balance.  We as Christians have a great blessing in the counsel to "Be still, and know that I am God" (Psalms 46:10).  But I don't believe that God would approve of us just sitting back and waiting for Him to do all the work, either.  Sometimes the manna comes to us, but sometimes we are expected to get out our bows and arrows and go find dinner ourselves.

I heard a very interesting talk on that topic many years ago, a few months after I returned from my mission.  It was in the Provo Tabernacle, so it was probably a stake conference.  I don't remember who the speaker was, but he used the analogy of the Disney movie Sleeping Beauty (which, being the Disneyphile that I am, is probably a big part of the reason why I remember it all these years later).  He was speaking to a college-age crowd, so when he spoke of making decisions and creating lives for ourselves, he mostly meant finding a career and a spouse.  In an ironic twist of fate, I didn't do either at the usual time, but during my 42nd year I'll have to consider both.  Speaking of ironic, or Ironic:  "... and who would have thought it figurrrrrrres?"  =P

Anyway ... the speaker's main point was that sometimes we are meant to be Prince Philip, hacking our way through thorn bushes and slaying dragons.

But sometimes, we are meant to be Sleeping Beauty, waiting patiently for events to unfold (of course, she had it easy when it comes to patience--the girl was asleep!!).  He made it clear that it wasn't a gender issue, it was specific to each individual and each individual circumstance. Moreover, the Lord might challenge us at times by asking us to play the role that goes against our grain.

So today, I've been looking back through my life and the major decisions that have shaped it ... the correct ones as well as the mistakes.  And although I try to fight it at times--generally to my detriment--the fact is that I am a total Sleeping Beauty.

Which means that the majority of the time, things just happen for me.  All I have to do is exercise faith (easy) and patience (not-so-easy).

Perfect example:  two blog posts ago.  I was wondering aloud (or in print, rather) how my inner Prince Philip should pick up his sword.  How do I create something of these next few weeks or months that will be productive both for myself and, ideally, for others?  That was my main concern -- how to do good, how to create happiness even when my life isn't exactly a bed of roses.  Avoid just treading water, and avoid losing my mind. =)

But there were two other issues on my mind.  I didn't want to be greedy, I know that we can't have everything we want in life.  Still ... I wanted them. One was to get to Provo on a semi-regular basis, but how do I do that when my budget is so tight and gas is so expensive?  The other was my biggest non-spiritual goal for the next three months:  getting into shape.  Losing weight in a healthy way is not cheap.  I wanted to figure out a way to do it anyway, but that would cut into my budget even further--is that really a justifiable expense at the moment?

Hence the blog post, and the question ... what should I do?  Well, as it turns out, what I needed to do was wait.  A few hours, in this case.  Literally.  I don't know what was going through the mind of the Prince Philip in question, or if he had any idea that he was answering my prayers (hmmm ... maybe I should ask him!).  Regardless ... voila ... my first, second and third desires.  Check.  AND, totally and completely Sleeping Beauty.  It didn't even cross my mind, while in sword-slinging mode, that this would be the solution. Talk about your safety nets, and your tender mercies.  =) 

Of course, this isn't technically Chapter III.  As I said while concluding my married-Lisa blog, "We will now have a brief intermission between acts II and III of Lisa's Life."  Still, it's me moving forward, and it's me being watched over, and it rocks. =)

I've also been reminded in the process of looking back that, very often, when I need to look at things differently in order to recognize the Lord's direction in my life, I just wake up one day with different desires.  The strongest example by far was the day I decided that I wanted to be a full-time stepmom.  I was seeking a man who had full custody of his kids.  Logically speaking, this was sheer insanity.  Kids are the number one reason why second marriages fail.  But it was unquestionably the desire of my heart, it had the divine stamp of approval, and it led me to my husband.  So, who knows ... sometime in the next few months, I might suddenly decide that I want to move to Wisconsin, or learn Farsi, or become a professional trapeze artist. If I do, please don't check me into a mental health facility. =)

And, when I do have to get all Prince Philip and hack through a thorn bush or two, the Lord tends to make it very clear.  Very, unmistakably, burning-bush clear.  Serve a mission ... move across the country ... marry Robert ... divorce Robert.

So ... there you have it.  Sleeping Beauty, productive intermissions, Chapter III, and why I have it much MORE than "pretty darn good."  =)

A quick thought

It's been a very long, very busy day with lots of unexpected twists & turns -- some good, some not, some painful and confusing (nothing drastic, just the life of the divorcee-to-be).  It is definitely time to rest my weary head.

But for some reason, I really feel that I need to record this first.  Yesterday as I was going about my day in "prayer in the heart" mode -- you know, when you're not formally praying but still communing in a way -- the following thought came into my head: "Father, really, you don't need to give me all of your tender mercies.  There are lots of people hurting, and I don't want you to run out.  I'll be okay, I can share."

Naturally, if I had taken the time to actually formulate that thought into language, I would have realized how silly it was long before I reached the end of the sentence.  Fortunately for us all, God's goodness is not a finite resource.  Besides which, who would seriously request fewer blessings?

Still, the fact remains that that's how I felt.  I was once promised that the Lord would literally open the windows of heaven and shower out blessings, such that there would not be room to receive them.  And God keeps his promises.

And on that thought, I bid you goodnight.

Merci Dieu.

A bit like starting a diet on Thanksgiving ...

So, I have set some goals and some projects for this period of "suspended animation."  Some of them just make sense:  for example, I've decided to grow my hair out, and when you start from a short 'do like mine, that involves a couple of months of really awkward looking hair. =P  But, for the first time since my mission, I really have no reason to look good for anybody, so voila ... perfect timing! 

But they're not all just scalp-deep. =P  I've also chosen some weaknesses of mine that I really want to address.  One of them is my tendency to focus on tomorrow rather than today.  It's a tricky balance, because obviously we should be constantly striving for a better tomorrow, and that involves preparation and planning and forethought.  But I acknowledge that sometimes (often?) this leads me to focus on the destination rather than the journey.  So I have adopted a new motto:  LIVE TODAY!!

Unfortunately, I probably couldn't have picked a more challenging time to work on this. =/  It goes without saying that divorce is not the happiest time of anybody's life.  But even more than that, I really feel trapped here in this house.  Suffocating.  It would be soooooooo easy to just retreat under the covers and say "wake me up when the job offer comes."  I have to look forward to getting my own life started, and everything that entails.

Any suggestions?  That's not a rhetorical question ... seriously, any suggestions? 

Oh, and speaking of suggestions, I still have to decide just how long I should go.  I kept it permed most of the time that it was really long, so I had to go all the way back to the mission to find this pic ...

Or, in a darker version, we have my UVA hair ...

I also quite liked my wedding hair ...

Or the quickest & easiest would be my sealing hair ...

Input appreciated here as well.  But mostly I want to hear about how to live TODAY better, even when today isn't exactly the highlight of my mortal experience. =)

Things I'm thankful for today

I took my Italian tests today, after spending a really fun weekend of last-minute prep -- which was much needed after a tough return to reality on Friday night.  Lots of reasons to give thanks. =)  In no particular order, I am grateful for ...


1.  The fact that when I had to sign my married name today, it felt really, really weird.  Almost deceitful.  I never expected that to happen so quickly.

2.  Ernesto's kids.  They rock.  The oldest two, M-girl and M-boy, are 14 & 12 and just really cool kids.  It feels like hanging out with my nieces and nephews.  G-girl and G-boy, ages 7 & 5, are total hurricanes but also very sweet.  G-girl taught me her made-up alphabet, with extensive practice exercises and quizzes.  I even have homework to bring with me next time. =P  The bottom line is that kids make me happy.  Funny, bright, kind and affectionate ones make me particularly happy. =)
 

3.  Ernesto's friends who are becoming my friends.  Nunzia is a laugh a minute, and awesome, and also going through a divorce ... and of course she's Italian, and therefore was very helpful yesterday!  And Trisha ... wow.  She's an independent massage therapist, and Saturday we got to talking about the muscle knot in my back that I can't get rid of, but can live with through either periodic massages or making Robert pound on me every few days.  So now that I have no husband and certainly can't afford the massages, I need a plan B. I was really excited to find out that she takes PayPal through her website, which she found a bit strange ... until I explained that I have no income at the moment, but I do have some $$ in my PayPal account from eBay sales.  A few hours later, she texted and asked if she could work on me free of charge.  I was very hesitant, to say the least.  But when I saw her again in church and she said with obvious sincerity, "Please, Lisa, let me do this for you," I gratefully accepted. Like I said ...wow. =)

4.  Church, and sacred music.  And the fact that they both transcend time, place and language.

5.  Kid History.  Some of the best laughs I've had in a long time. =)

(click here for Kid History episode 5)

6.  Italian food.  'Nuff said.

7.  My gift/quirk/whatever for getting along swimmingly with all age groups.  I had a great time hanging with Lizzie and her roomies, especially enjoying Kid History together.  See #5.  =P

8.  Provo in the fall.  Provo period, really.  And my BYU pride, even after a full-fledged booty kicking from our arch nemesis.

9.  Knowing that Lizzie has a happy new life, with good kids and plenty of good wholesome fun.

10.  Love.

"Love is blind"

People generally use this phrase in a negative light ... for one thing, they're talking about infatuation, not love.  And yes, absolutely, when you're twitterpated you often choose to ignore anything that might get in the way of your desire to be with that person.  We've probably all experienced that.

But I'm now realizing that when we genuinely love our family members -- and when we love God enough to take our covenants seriously -- it can lead to a different kind of blindness.  The factors that we might consider in choosing a friend, or a roommate,or a business partner just don't matter.  It's completely irrelevant if your child or sibling or spouse has no time management skills.  Or a really annoying laugh, or stinky feet.  You don't really care about what they may or may not have in common with you.  All that matters is that you're family, you take each other for who and what they are, and do the best you can.  Of course, that doesn't mean that parents shouldn't try to help their kids overcome bad habits.  Nor does it justify any of us for not giving the best of ourselves in our family relationships.  It just means that as you're struggling to figure out how to make the best of things, it doesn't even cross your mind to question whether you should.

This might sound like a very strange thought from somebody on the verge of dissolving a family.  But here's what I'm getting at:  for seven and a half years, I was "blinded."  Factors like whether or not we were compatible, and all the things that I did and didn't like about each individual -- they just weren't on my radar screen.  Why bother to delineate the faults of somebody you love, if there's no real reason to?  I was, in a certain sense, "blind" to them.

Now ... since this is a public blog, I won't elaborate on why it's now time to end my marriage -- and by extension, my entire family.  It just is.

But, now that I am, the blinders are falling away.  Not in the sense that I've suddenly started making lists of things that have bugged me all this time. =P  However, I am realizing that ... gulp ... we never were a particularly good fit.  We are all products of our parents and the atmosphere we were raised in.  And trying to blend this Madsen-DuPont into a family of Insley-Fredericksons was a bit of a square peg/round hole situation from the beginning (editor's note:  all last names, and first names of minors, will be changed in this blog).  That's not their fault.  Nor is it mine.  They all tried, they really did.  Heaven knows I did the best I knew how.  I really, truly, considered myself a Frederickson, and consecrated the rest of my eternity to the well-being of that family unit.  I did it gladly, out of love for them and for my Heavenly Father who asked me to do so.

So, you might think that this realization would involve some bitterness, or maybe a sense of futility.  It doesn't.  It actually makes me feel hopeful.  For one thing, if I can unconditionally and permanently (in my mind, at least) dedicate myself to one family, I can do the same with another.  Plus, now that I can look at the situation from the outside, I can definitely see some insights and lessons that will help me in the future.  Hopefully Robert and the kids can say the same. =)

I feel ...

1.  Younger.
2.  Thinner.  Granted, this isn't a subjective thing ... I don't recommend the divorce diet, but there's no question that it works. =)
3.  Less stressed.  This is pretty remarkable, when you consider that I don't currently have a job or a long-term home.
4.  MUCH less conflicted.
5.  More optimistic.
6.  More in control.  Again, pretty remarkable when one has no home (yet) and no job (yet). 
7.  More attractive.  I've been wondering why that is, but now that I spell it out ... feeling old, overweight, stressed, conflicted, hopeless and powerless just isn't sexy. =P  I feel ready to take the dating world by storm, 'cause guess what ... I am quite a catch! =D

Naturally, I feel sad things too.  But when the bad moments hit, a list like this might be a good reminder.  I doubt I will ever need, or want, a list to remind me of the less-than-happy things I currently feel.

So, what's next?

Short answer:  don't I wish I knew! =P

But, in the sense of putting one foot in front of the other, here's what I do know.  I'll stay here at my sister's for two more weeks, then return home.  In a slight change of plans, Robert is moving out and I will stay in the house for about a month.  In one sense I am jealous of him.  A house that is just an empty shell is not a cheerful place to be.  However, it does make sense for a couple of reasons.  First, he is moving to Las Vegas and I am staying local.

But the biggest reason is that I'm playing a waiting game when it comes to employment.  My original plan was to piece together some various contract jobs and supplement with substitute teaching as needed.  But if this new gig works out, I will definitely take that route instead.  The only problem is that due to fiscal years and bickering bosses, I probably won't know until mid- to late October.  A bit frustrating, but definitely worth the wait.

In the meantime, I'll start attending church at a local mid-singles ward.  I can't go to the dances or speed-dating activities, or join any of the LDS dating websites, until the divorce is final.  But I have no problem with that.  I am a staunch supporter of marriage, and I feel that it would be inappropriate for me to present myself as a potential partner while I'm still, legally speaking, a married woman.  On the other hand ... I need friends.  NOW. Preferably women of my approximate age in my approximate situation.  Not because I'm suddenly bitter and against married people. =P  But people with spouses and full-time children just have different responsibilities.  I need single girlfriends, like I had in Virginia.  Here, I have ONE single friend in driving distance, and he is without the question the busiest person I know.  Not the ideal situation.

To be blunt, I'm not looking forward to another period of limbo. I reeeally wish I could just hop right in to a new job and a new apartment and an instant divorce. I feel like I've been living in limbo for two and half years now, and I am ready to move on.  I have mourned my loss, again and again, and it's time to start celebrating my life.

Ah well ... it will take me some time to pack up the house, and hopefully I can get some work done on Clarissa too.  And patience is good for me. =)

Safety nets

The day before I left, I was talking to Lizzie about a very comforting truth that I have seen at work in my life before, and I am currently seeing again for both of us.  When the Lord asks us to do something that will be very difficult and scary, He always sets up a safety net that will get us through it.  Sometimes in retrospect we can see that it has been developing for years, ready to spring up at the precise moment that we need it.  Sometimes it's not quite so obvious, and we don't know all the details of how it came to be.  But it is always there.

However ... most often, we have to take that first step into the darkness.  We have to face our fears head on, and act with faith and courage.  We have to trust that the Lord will provide, without knowing how it will work out.

For Lizzie, leaving for college was exponentially harder than it is for most people.  She was absolutely terrified.  But she knew that if she didn't take that step, she would start to stagnate.  She wouldn't become the woman that she wants to be, and the potential wife that will attract the kind of husband she wants to have.  It still terrified her, but she did it.  And that's what we were talking about that day.  We had just discovered that there is an Arby's (where she has worked for nearly three years) right down the street, and they were hiring.  That was a HUGE source of stress off her plate, and she starts work today.  The friend she relies on most, and who we thought would be living a couple of miles away, is in fact right across the street.  Lots of other, smaller things all add up to the fact that she is relatively calm, very hopeful and ready for an awesome new life. =)

AND, I am pleased & grateful to report, the same thing has been happening for me.  There are many factors, but here are some that I am particularly thankful for today:

1.  Even though I sacrificed my intended career path when I got married, another very rewarding one is opening up to me (back story:  I was halfway through a Ph.D program in French Civilization and intended to become a French professor, now I work as a writer/editor/translator).  This is mostly through my high school best friend who found me on Facebook at just the perfect time.  But it's also thanks to a friend of 22 years who contacted me when she needed a favor ... and by doing that favor for her, I got my foot in the door in the first place.

2.  While obviously this didn't happen just for me and my personal safety net, the internet in general and Facebook in particular have been godsends.  My "rebirth" would have been a very, V E R Y different process without them.

3.  A cherished friend from many years ago has resurfaced.  While we had occasionally crossed paths over the years, he popped back into my life a year ago with something as random as a Facebook message saying "Hey, wanna play Scrabble?"  He understands the dynamics of my particular divorce situation better than anyone else.  He is brutally honest when necessary, almost annoyingly motivational, and refuses to indulge in pity parties -- his, mine, or anyone else's.  That might not sound like the type of shoulder one would choose to cry on, but I always feel better after spending time with him.

4.  This might sound like a really strange thing to count as a blessing, but ... indulge me. =P  The past two and a half years have been gradually sucking the life out of me, and that actually is a good thing.  While I feel quite confident that this is the appropriate time for my marriage to end, I wouldn't feel NEARLY as calm and prepared for it without these 30 months of pain.  I needed to stick around to get Lizzie launched into her adult life -- besides which, Robert and I both believe that I literally saved his life a year ago.  And, perhaps the most fundamental factor is this:  I BELIEVE IN MARRIAGE.  I could not have peace in my heart if I had walked away when it stopped being fun.  But it has taken a very heavy toll on me.  Which means that now that it's time to move on, there is a great deal of relief mixed in with the grief.

And of course, I have a loving family support system.  I have my precious Elizabeth Rose, who still needs me.  I have the gospel of Jesus Christ, which gives me hope and comfort and the strength to do mighty things.

Grazie/merci/thank you. =)

August 27th

Today, precisely half my lifetime ago, Jared was born.  Of course I didn't know at the time that there even was a Jared, let alone that he would one day become my stepson.  And the very notion of having an ex-stepson would have seemed completely ludicrous.

We had an early birthday party for me on that day:  a pool party with my aunts & uncles, siblings and cousins.  I had just moved in with my mom to save money, because I had decided to serve a mission.  That was a pretty big paradigm shift.  I had never seriously considered a mission, because I was going to get married.  But things took a different turn, the Lord made His will known to me, and I jumped.

I was a little bit fearful, somewhat apprehensive, and very worried about failing at something I didn't know how to do.  I was glad I had a few months before I became an official missionary.  But, at the end of the day, I was going to be an ordained, authorized emissary of the Lord, and I recognized that as the incredible blessing that it was.

             ****************************************

Today, the second half of my lifetime has elapsed, and I am forced to contemplate the possibility of new stepsons.  Maybe much older, maybe much younger.  Hopefully I will love them dearly.  But they won't be Jared, and they won't be married to Caitlin.  And that is sad.

We had an early birthday party for me today:  a beach party with my brothers & sisters, niece and nephews.  I have just moved in with my sister to lick my wounds for a bit, because I have decided to get a divorce.  This is a HUGE paradigm shift.  I went into my marriage without even considering divorce as a possibility, because I have always believed that marriage is forever and covenants are permanent.  But my marriage took a very wrong turn, the Lord made His will known to me, and I jumped.

I am a little bit fearful, somewhat apprehensive, and definitely worried about making a good life for myself under conditions that I never would have imagined.  I'm glad I have a few months before I become an official single woman.  But, at the end of the day, I'm getting a chance to completely reinvent my life, a bit like being 21 again but with all the knowledge, skills and wisdom that I didn't have the first time around.  And I recognize that as the incredible blessing that it is.