August 27th

Today, precisely half my lifetime ago, Jared was born.  Of course I didn't know at the time that there even was a Jared, let alone that he would one day become my stepson.  And the very notion of having an ex-stepson would have seemed completely ludicrous.

We had an early birthday party for me on that day:  a pool party with my aunts & uncles, siblings and cousins.  I had just moved in with my mom to save money, because I had decided to serve a mission.  That was a pretty big paradigm shift.  I had never seriously considered a mission, because I was going to get married.  But things took a different turn, the Lord made His will known to me, and I jumped.

I was a little bit fearful, somewhat apprehensive, and very worried about failing at something I didn't know how to do.  I was glad I had a few months before I became an official missionary.  But, at the end of the day, I was going to be an ordained, authorized emissary of the Lord, and I recognized that as the incredible blessing that it was.

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Today, the second half of my lifetime has elapsed, and I am forced to contemplate the possibility of new stepsons.  Maybe much older, maybe much younger.  Hopefully I will love them dearly.  But they won't be Jared, and they won't be married to Caitlin.  And that is sad.

We had an early birthday party for me today:  a beach party with my brothers & sisters, niece and nephews.  I have just moved in with my sister to lick my wounds for a bit, because I have decided to get a divorce.  This is a HUGE paradigm shift.  I went into my marriage without even considering divorce as a possibility, because I have always believed that marriage is forever and covenants are permanent.  But my marriage took a very wrong turn, the Lord made His will known to me, and I jumped.

I am a little bit fearful, somewhat apprehensive, and definitely worried about making a good life for myself under conditions that I never would have imagined.  I'm glad I have a few months before I become an official single woman.  But, at the end of the day, I'm getting a chance to completely reinvent my life, a bit like being 21 again but with all the knowledge, skills and wisdom that I didn't have the first time around.  And I recognize that as the incredible blessing that it is.