Ready for the Maker's hand

For those of you familiar with the Hollywood classic "The Ten Commandments" ...

I find myself really relating to Moses, or a least to Charlton Heston, as he crosses the desert after being kicked out of his home in Egypt.  There is no dialogue in the scene except for the narrator's voiceover, but I can imagine some of his thoughts.

One: "Man, if I hadn't followed my conscience, I would have a really, REALLY good life right now."

Two:  "WHAT THE HECK?!?  I DID follow my conscience -- and may I just add that it was no picnic in those brick pits -- and not ONLY are the people I hoped to help NO better off for it, I'm now COMPLETELY cut off from them so I can NEVER help them, EVER, again.  What the........how does......... why should..... WHAT THE HECK?!?"

Three:  "Oh, did I mention how much I LOVE spending every day and every night not just in mourning, but completely ALONE?"

Okay, so there's my attempt a lightening the mood with a bit of sarcastic hyperbole. =P

Of course, there are some significant differences between myself and Moses/Mr. Heston.  One, the "really good life" I could have doesn't exactly compare to being the future Pharaoh.  But ... if I hadn't married Robert in the first place, I would almost certainly be a tenure-track professor at BYU right now (it's a long story as to why it's such a sure thing in such a lousy job market for professors, but it is).  I can't really regret that, though, because I still KNOW I was supposed to marry him, in spite of everything.  But if I hadn't agreed to put the divorce on  hold in January, I would be happily settled right now in a new apartment, a new ward, a new life.  And from where I'm standing at this moment, that sounds almost as great as the royal court of Egypt.

And point number three:  I'm not actually *completely* alone.  It just feels like it. =(  My roommate has moved to California, Lizzie is on the other side of the country, and the nature of my job involves very little human interaction.  My ward here has never really felt like much of a home, mostly because I told them when I moved in that it was going to be very temporary (the original plan was just a couple of months) so I never got a calling.  I never had visiting teachers and I lost my home teacher.  Plus, I was always gone one or two weekends a month, either traveling with Lizzie or trying to repair my marriage.  So when you feel no real connection to your ward, it's very tempting to sleep in, take the sacrament foyer-style with the 11:00 ward and catch the tail end of your own RS.  I regret to say that I very frequently succumbed to that temptation.

Of course, there are people within driving distance that I could harass.  Suggest that they invite me over, or come help me pack.  It's just hard to do when you're focusing on putting one foot in front of the other.  I guess I just need somebody else to do the reaching out right now.

But I digress.  I also have some substantial advantages over Moses -- such as plenty of water and a comfy bed. =)  And Moses was still madly in love with Nefretiri, whereas I ... umm, well ... 'nuff said.

Still, if you go back to thought number two ...  I suspect that Moses and I have that very much in common.  I repeat: "WHAT THE HECK?!?  I DID follow my conscience -- and may I just add that it was no picnic in those brick pits -- and not ONLY are the people I hoped to help NO better off, I'm now COMPLETELY cut off from them so I can NEVER help them, EVER, again.  What the........how does......... why should..... WHAT THE HECK?!?"

And sometimes that is extremely, devastatingly painful.

Two things keep me moving forward, though.  One is my currently-favorite definition of faith:

And the second is the end of the narrator's voiceover, after Moses has taken every last step that he could and collapsed to the desert floor:  "...the metal is ready for the Maker's hand."

I don't know exactly what my Maker wants to make of me.  But I want to be as malleable as I can be.

So I will keep walking, and trust in the date trees and wells of Midian.  And who knows, maybe I'll run into a sheik who lets me choose a husband from among his seven sons. =P