Sleeping Beauty, new chapters, and why I actually have it pretty darn good

 I guess it goes without saying that the topic of "what do I do now" has been on my mind a lot.  How do I write Chapter III of the Book of Lisa. =)  And, like most things in life, it's a delicate balance.  We as Christians have a great blessing in the counsel to "Be still, and know that I am God" (Psalms 46:10).  But I don't believe that God would approve of us just sitting back and waiting for Him to do all the work, either.  Sometimes the manna comes to us, but sometimes we are expected to get out our bows and arrows and go find dinner ourselves.

I heard a very interesting talk on that topic many years ago, a few months after I returned from my mission.  It was in the Provo Tabernacle, so it was probably a stake conference.  I don't remember who the speaker was, but he used the analogy of the Disney movie Sleeping Beauty (which, being the Disneyphile that I am, is probably a big part of the reason why I remember it all these years later).  He was speaking to a college-age crowd, so when he spoke of making decisions and creating lives for ourselves, he mostly meant finding a career and a spouse.  In an ironic twist of fate, I didn't do either at the usual time, but during my 42nd year I'll have to consider both.  Speaking of ironic, or Ironic:  "... and who would have thought it figurrrrrrres?"  =P

Anyway ... the speaker's main point was that sometimes we are meant to be Prince Philip, hacking our way through thorn bushes and slaying dragons.

But sometimes, we are meant to be Sleeping Beauty, waiting patiently for events to unfold (of course, she had it easy when it comes to patience--the girl was asleep!!).  He made it clear that it wasn't a gender issue, it was specific to each individual and each individual circumstance. Moreover, the Lord might challenge us at times by asking us to play the role that goes against our grain.

So today, I've been looking back through my life and the major decisions that have shaped it ... the correct ones as well as the mistakes.  And although I try to fight it at times--generally to my detriment--the fact is that I am a total Sleeping Beauty.

Which means that the majority of the time, things just happen for me.  All I have to do is exercise faith (easy) and patience (not-so-easy).

Perfect example:  two blog posts ago.  I was wondering aloud (or in print, rather) how my inner Prince Philip should pick up his sword.  How do I create something of these next few weeks or months that will be productive both for myself and, ideally, for others?  That was my main concern -- how to do good, how to create happiness even when my life isn't exactly a bed of roses.  Avoid just treading water, and avoid losing my mind. =)

But there were two other issues on my mind.  I didn't want to be greedy, I know that we can't have everything we want in life.  Still ... I wanted them. One was to get to Provo on a semi-regular basis, but how do I do that when my budget is so tight and gas is so expensive?  The other was my biggest non-spiritual goal for the next three months:  getting into shape.  Losing weight in a healthy way is not cheap.  I wanted to figure out a way to do it anyway, but that would cut into my budget even further--is that really a justifiable expense at the moment?

Hence the blog post, and the question ... what should I do?  Well, as it turns out, what I needed to do was wait.  A few hours, in this case.  Literally.  I don't know what was going through the mind of the Prince Philip in question, or if he had any idea that he was answering my prayers (hmmm ... maybe I should ask him!).  Regardless ... voila ... my first, second and third desires.  Check.  AND, totally and completely Sleeping Beauty.  It didn't even cross my mind, while in sword-slinging mode, that this would be the solution. Talk about your safety nets, and your tender mercies.  =) 

Of course, this isn't technically Chapter III.  As I said while concluding my married-Lisa blog, "We will now have a brief intermission between acts II and III of Lisa's Life."  Still, it's me moving forward, and it's me being watched over, and it rocks. =)

I've also been reminded in the process of looking back that, very often, when I need to look at things differently in order to recognize the Lord's direction in my life, I just wake up one day with different desires.  The strongest example by far was the day I decided that I wanted to be a full-time stepmom.  I was seeking a man who had full custody of his kids.  Logically speaking, this was sheer insanity.  Kids are the number one reason why second marriages fail.  But it was unquestionably the desire of my heart, it had the divine stamp of approval, and it led me to my husband.  So, who knows ... sometime in the next few months, I might suddenly decide that I want to move to Wisconsin, or learn Farsi, or become a professional trapeze artist. If I do, please don't check me into a mental health facility. =)

And, when I do have to get all Prince Philip and hack through a thorn bush or two, the Lord tends to make it very clear.  Very, unmistakably, burning-bush clear.  Serve a mission ... move across the country ... marry Robert ... divorce Robert.

So ... there you have it.  Sleeping Beauty, productive intermissions, Chapter III, and why I have it much MORE than "pretty darn good."  =)

A quick thought

It's been a very long, very busy day with lots of unexpected twists & turns -- some good, some not, some painful and confusing (nothing drastic, just the life of the divorcee-to-be).  It is definitely time to rest my weary head.

But for some reason, I really feel that I need to record this first.  Yesterday as I was going about my day in "prayer in the heart" mode -- you know, when you're not formally praying but still communing in a way -- the following thought came into my head: "Father, really, you don't need to give me all of your tender mercies.  There are lots of people hurting, and I don't want you to run out.  I'll be okay, I can share."

Naturally, if I had taken the time to actually formulate that thought into language, I would have realized how silly it was long before I reached the end of the sentence.  Fortunately for us all, God's goodness is not a finite resource.  Besides which, who would seriously request fewer blessings?

Still, the fact remains that that's how I felt.  I was once promised that the Lord would literally open the windows of heaven and shower out blessings, such that there would not be room to receive them.  And God keeps his promises.

And on that thought, I bid you goodnight.

Merci Dieu.

A bit like starting a diet on Thanksgiving ...

So, I have set some goals and some projects for this period of "suspended animation."  Some of them just make sense:  for example, I've decided to grow my hair out, and when you start from a short 'do like mine, that involves a couple of months of really awkward looking hair. =P  But, for the first time since my mission, I really have no reason to look good for anybody, so voila ... perfect timing! 

But they're not all just scalp-deep. =P  I've also chosen some weaknesses of mine that I really want to address.  One of them is my tendency to focus on tomorrow rather than today.  It's a tricky balance, because obviously we should be constantly striving for a better tomorrow, and that involves preparation and planning and forethought.  But I acknowledge that sometimes (often?) this leads me to focus on the destination rather than the journey.  So I have adopted a new motto:  LIVE TODAY!!

Unfortunately, I probably couldn't have picked a more challenging time to work on this. =/  It goes without saying that divorce is not the happiest time of anybody's life.  But even more than that, I really feel trapped here in this house.  Suffocating.  It would be soooooooo easy to just retreat under the covers and say "wake me up when the job offer comes."  I have to look forward to getting my own life started, and everything that entails.

Any suggestions?  That's not a rhetorical question ... seriously, any suggestions? 

Oh, and speaking of suggestions, I still have to decide just how long I should go.  I kept it permed most of the time that it was really long, so I had to go all the way back to the mission to find this pic ...

Or, in a darker version, we have my UVA hair ...

I also quite liked my wedding hair ...

Or the quickest & easiest would be my sealing hair ...

Input appreciated here as well.  But mostly I want to hear about how to live TODAY better, even when today isn't exactly the highlight of my mortal experience. =)

Things I'm thankful for today

I took my Italian tests today, after spending a really fun weekend of last-minute prep -- which was much needed after a tough return to reality on Friday night.  Lots of reasons to give thanks. =)  In no particular order, I am grateful for ...


1.  The fact that when I had to sign my married name today, it felt really, really weird.  Almost deceitful.  I never expected that to happen so quickly.

2.  Ernesto's kids.  They rock.  The oldest two, M-girl and M-boy, are 14 & 12 and just really cool kids.  It feels like hanging out with my nieces and nephews.  G-girl and G-boy, ages 7 & 5, are total hurricanes but also very sweet.  G-girl taught me her made-up alphabet, with extensive practice exercises and quizzes.  I even have homework to bring with me next time. =P  The bottom line is that kids make me happy.  Funny, bright, kind and affectionate ones make me particularly happy. =)
 

3.  Ernesto's friends who are becoming my friends.  Nunzia is a laugh a minute, and awesome, and also going through a divorce ... and of course she's Italian, and therefore was very helpful yesterday!  And Trisha ... wow.  She's an independent massage therapist, and Saturday we got to talking about the muscle knot in my back that I can't get rid of, but can live with through either periodic massages or making Robert pound on me every few days.  So now that I have no husband and certainly can't afford the massages, I need a plan B. I was really excited to find out that she takes PayPal through her website, which she found a bit strange ... until I explained that I have no income at the moment, but I do have some $$ in my PayPal account from eBay sales.  A few hours later, she texted and asked if she could work on me free of charge.  I was very hesitant, to say the least.  But when I saw her again in church and she said with obvious sincerity, "Please, Lisa, let me do this for you," I gratefully accepted. Like I said ...wow. =)

4.  Church, and sacred music.  And the fact that they both transcend time, place and language.

5.  Kid History.  Some of the best laughs I've had in a long time. =)

(click here for Kid History episode 5)

6.  Italian food.  'Nuff said.

7.  My gift/quirk/whatever for getting along swimmingly with all age groups.  I had a great time hanging with Lizzie and her roomies, especially enjoying Kid History together.  See #5.  =P

8.  Provo in the fall.  Provo period, really.  And my BYU pride, even after a full-fledged booty kicking from our arch nemesis.

9.  Knowing that Lizzie has a happy new life, with good kids and plenty of good wholesome fun.

10.  Love.

"Love is blind"

People generally use this phrase in a negative light ... for one thing, they're talking about infatuation, not love.  And yes, absolutely, when you're twitterpated you often choose to ignore anything that might get in the way of your desire to be with that person.  We've probably all experienced that.

But I'm now realizing that when we genuinely love our family members -- and when we love God enough to take our covenants seriously -- it can lead to a different kind of blindness.  The factors that we might consider in choosing a friend, or a roommate,or a business partner just don't matter.  It's completely irrelevant if your child or sibling or spouse has no time management skills.  Or a really annoying laugh, or stinky feet.  You don't really care about what they may or may not have in common with you.  All that matters is that you're family, you take each other for who and what they are, and do the best you can.  Of course, that doesn't mean that parents shouldn't try to help their kids overcome bad habits.  Nor does it justify any of us for not giving the best of ourselves in our family relationships.  It just means that as you're struggling to figure out how to make the best of things, it doesn't even cross your mind to question whether you should.

This might sound like a very strange thought from somebody on the verge of dissolving a family.  But here's what I'm getting at:  for seven and a half years, I was "blinded."  Factors like whether or not we were compatible, and all the things that I did and didn't like about each individual -- they just weren't on my radar screen.  Why bother to delineate the faults of somebody you love, if there's no real reason to?  I was, in a certain sense, "blind" to them.

Now ... since this is a public blog, I won't elaborate on why it's now time to end my marriage -- and by extension, my entire family.  It just is.

But, now that I am, the blinders are falling away.  Not in the sense that I've suddenly started making lists of things that have bugged me all this time. =P  However, I am realizing that ... gulp ... we never were a particularly good fit.  We are all products of our parents and the atmosphere we were raised in.  And trying to blend this Madsen-DuPont into a family of Insley-Fredericksons was a bit of a square peg/round hole situation from the beginning (editor's note:  all last names, and first names of minors, will be changed in this blog).  That's not their fault.  Nor is it mine.  They all tried, they really did.  Heaven knows I did the best I knew how.  I really, truly, considered myself a Frederickson, and consecrated the rest of my eternity to the well-being of that family unit.  I did it gladly, out of love for them and for my Heavenly Father who asked me to do so.

So, you might think that this realization would involve some bitterness, or maybe a sense of futility.  It doesn't.  It actually makes me feel hopeful.  For one thing, if I can unconditionally and permanently (in my mind, at least) dedicate myself to one family, I can do the same with another.  Plus, now that I can look at the situation from the outside, I can definitely see some insights and lessons that will help me in the future.  Hopefully Robert and the kids can say the same. =)

I feel ...

1.  Younger.
2.  Thinner.  Granted, this isn't a subjective thing ... I don't recommend the divorce diet, but there's no question that it works. =)
3.  Less stressed.  This is pretty remarkable, when you consider that I don't currently have a job or a long-term home.
4.  MUCH less conflicted.
5.  More optimistic.
6.  More in control.  Again, pretty remarkable when one has no home (yet) and no job (yet). 
7.  More attractive.  I've been wondering why that is, but now that I spell it out ... feeling old, overweight, stressed, conflicted, hopeless and powerless just isn't sexy. =P  I feel ready to take the dating world by storm, 'cause guess what ... I am quite a catch! =D

Naturally, I feel sad things too.  But when the bad moments hit, a list like this might be a good reminder.  I doubt I will ever need, or want, a list to remind me of the less-than-happy things I currently feel.

So, what's next?

Short answer:  don't I wish I knew! =P

But, in the sense of putting one foot in front of the other, here's what I do know.  I'll stay here at my sister's for two more weeks, then return home.  In a slight change of plans, Robert is moving out and I will stay in the house for about a month.  In one sense I am jealous of him.  A house that is just an empty shell is not a cheerful place to be.  However, it does make sense for a couple of reasons.  First, he is moving to Las Vegas and I am staying local.

But the biggest reason is that I'm playing a waiting game when it comes to employment.  My original plan was to piece together some various contract jobs and supplement with substitute teaching as needed.  But if this new gig works out, I will definitely take that route instead.  The only problem is that due to fiscal years and bickering bosses, I probably won't know until mid- to late October.  A bit frustrating, but definitely worth the wait.

In the meantime, I'll start attending church at a local mid-singles ward.  I can't go to the dances or speed-dating activities, or join any of the LDS dating websites, until the divorce is final.  But I have no problem with that.  I am a staunch supporter of marriage, and I feel that it would be inappropriate for me to present myself as a potential partner while I'm still, legally speaking, a married woman.  On the other hand ... I need friends.  NOW. Preferably women of my approximate age in my approximate situation.  Not because I'm suddenly bitter and against married people. =P  But people with spouses and full-time children just have different responsibilities.  I need single girlfriends, like I had in Virginia.  Here, I have ONE single friend in driving distance, and he is without the question the busiest person I know.  Not the ideal situation.

To be blunt, I'm not looking forward to another period of limbo. I reeeally wish I could just hop right in to a new job and a new apartment and an instant divorce. I feel like I've been living in limbo for two and half years now, and I am ready to move on.  I have mourned my loss, again and again, and it's time to start celebrating my life.

Ah well ... it will take me some time to pack up the house, and hopefully I can get some work done on Clarissa too.  And patience is good for me. =)