Many people have asked me what attracts me to him, why we find ourselves so compatible, or something along those lines. These are perfectly reasonable questions, and well-intentioned ones I'm sure. However, they are not questions that I can answer honestly--or at least, not even close to completely. The most profound sources of our bond are deeply personal and private, stemming from the most painful periods of our respective histories. I find it interesting that if our dating experience had gone the way that we had planned, and the way that it typically does--several weeks of focusing on putting your best foot forward, slowly and cautiously revealing your flaws in carefully measured doses--we never could have discovered just how much we have to contribute to the other. Since we knew that we didn't have the luxury of time, we cut straight to the chase and started sharing our scars within a few hours of meeting each other. Otherwise, we may never have moved past the "Yeah, he/she's pretty cool" zone.
Still, there are a couple of things that I can share, and I do so gladly. =D
The first thing that really struck me in the initial phases came as I was re-reading some of our email strings, and noticed that at times it was difficult to know whether they came from me or from him. I'm a writer at heart, and my written voice is a cherished part of my identity, so finding somebody who speaks my language really resonated with me.
The second is far more impressive than sounding like me. =P He is a convert of two and a half years, and like most people who live without the Gospel well into their adult lives, he had some habits that needed to change. It is truly inspiring and humbling to see the lengths he has gone to--and continues to go to--in order to assure and safeguard his ability to scrupulously honor his covenants. I don't think I've ever seen such a spirit of "if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out." He makes me want to do better, and to be better. Every day.
I also wanted to share a couple of tender mercies that have kept me from completely wigging out over my warp-speed progression from wife to girlfriend. The first is that in the weeks leading up to our meeting, I often felt a sense of joy that just lit me up inside, from the assurance that in the Lord's own time, I would have the blessing of a righteous husband and a gospel-centered marriage. That is a promise to every righteous woman who endures to the end, and those who do not receive that blessing in this life will have their pick in days to come. I joked that it would be fitting if my eternal companion had died of the black plague in medieval France. =D The point is that I was happy, even joyful, in the promise of things to come W H E N E V E R God saw fit for me. I was content to wait for the Millenium for the right man, and extremely grateful to know that I was well prepared to do so. In other words: I am not desperate. =P I don't need to question whether my feelings for Scott are partially an invention of my mind, born from a sense of panic over when/if I may have another such opportunity.
The second is a series of impressions and promptings that have helped me to feel released from my previous calling/marriage. A very powerful one came today during Sunday School. The teacher had prepared a handout that listed some of the attributes of the prophet Mormon, including the following phrases:
"He loved his people with the love of God.
He prayed for them, even when there was no hope.
Even though his duty was fruitless and hopeless, he never gave up.
He was able to overcome the evils of his environment because he was converted to and given great inner light and power from Jesus Christ."
Now, let me make it CRYSTAL clear that I am NOT placing myself on the same plane as Mormon. But it did come with a sort of "well done, thou good and faithful servant" message of peace to my heart.
In other words... Scott is awesome. God loves me. Life is good. =)
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