A strange blessing

First:  this is a follow-up to the previous post about "The Ten Commandments."  So if you haven't read it, this one won't make much sense. =)

So, yeah ... an interesting blessing today, first while walking to church and then very powerfully during the sacrament.  I was "treated" to a nauseating panorama of the realities I've been dealing with for the past 3 1/2 years, and flashbacks to some of the more unendurable moments I've endured.  As I said ... not the kind of thing one would typically consider a blessing. =P

But it really was.  It helped me to remember that while this latest kick in the pants *feels* like being kicked out of Egypt afresh, the reality is that I've been wandering through that desert for quite some time.  And I am sooooooo close to Midian now ... it is literally just steps away.

Granted, I don't know exactly what I will find there.  But there WILL be abundant wells, and there WILL be date trees.  Meaning the fruit, of course -- I don't expect that suitors will grow on trees there. =P

And there will be a righteous people that will take me in.  And there will be shepherding work to be done, and I will jump right in.  And I will find joy therein.

Merci Dieu.  (Maybe I should learn how to say that in ancient Hebrew, if I'm going to stick to this Ten Commandments theme ...)

Ready for the Maker's hand

For those of you familiar with the Hollywood classic "The Ten Commandments" ...

I find myself really relating to Moses, or a least to Charlton Heston, as he crosses the desert after being kicked out of his home in Egypt.  There is no dialogue in the scene except for the narrator's voiceover, but I can imagine some of his thoughts.

One: "Man, if I hadn't followed my conscience, I would have a really, REALLY good life right now."

Two:  "WHAT THE HECK?!?  I DID follow my conscience -- and may I just add that it was no picnic in those brick pits -- and not ONLY are the people I hoped to help NO better off for it, I'm now COMPLETELY cut off from them so I can NEVER help them, EVER, again.  What the........how does......... why should..... WHAT THE HECK?!?"

Three:  "Oh, did I mention how much I LOVE spending every day and every night not just in mourning, but completely ALONE?"

Okay, so there's my attempt a lightening the mood with a bit of sarcastic hyperbole. =P

Of course, there are some significant differences between myself and Moses/Mr. Heston.  One, the "really good life" I could have doesn't exactly compare to being the future Pharaoh.  But ... if I hadn't married Robert in the first place, I would almost certainly be a tenure-track professor at BYU right now (it's a long story as to why it's such a sure thing in such a lousy job market for professors, but it is).  I can't really regret that, though, because I still KNOW I was supposed to marry him, in spite of everything.  But if I hadn't agreed to put the divorce on  hold in January, I would be happily settled right now in a new apartment, a new ward, a new life.  And from where I'm standing at this moment, that sounds almost as great as the royal court of Egypt.

And point number three:  I'm not actually *completely* alone.  It just feels like it. =(  My roommate has moved to California, Lizzie is on the other side of the country, and the nature of my job involves very little human interaction.  My ward here has never really felt like much of a home, mostly because I told them when I moved in that it was going to be very temporary (the original plan was just a couple of months) so I never got a calling.  I never had visiting teachers and I lost my home teacher.  Plus, I was always gone one or two weekends a month, either traveling with Lizzie or trying to repair my marriage.  So when you feel no real connection to your ward, it's very tempting to sleep in, take the sacrament foyer-style with the 11:00 ward and catch the tail end of your own RS.  I regret to say that I very frequently succumbed to that temptation.

Of course, there are people within driving distance that I could harass.  Suggest that they invite me over, or come help me pack.  It's just hard to do when you're focusing on putting one foot in front of the other.  I guess I just need somebody else to do the reaching out right now.

But I digress.  I also have some substantial advantages over Moses -- such as plenty of water and a comfy bed. =)  And Moses was still madly in love with Nefretiri, whereas I ... umm, well ... 'nuff said.

Still, if you go back to thought number two ...  I suspect that Moses and I have that very much in common.  I repeat: "WHAT THE HECK?!?  I DID follow my conscience -- and may I just add that it was no picnic in those brick pits -- and not ONLY are the people I hoped to help NO better off, I'm now COMPLETELY cut off from them so I can NEVER help them, EVER, again.  What the........how does......... why should..... WHAT THE HECK?!?"

And sometimes that is extremely, devastatingly painful.

Two things keep me moving forward, though.  One is my currently-favorite definition of faith:

And the second is the end of the narrator's voiceover, after Moses has taken every last step that he could and collapsed to the desert floor:  "...the metal is ready for the Maker's hand."

I don't know exactly what my Maker wants to make of me.  But I want to be as malleable as I can be.

So I will keep walking, and trust in the date trees and wells of Midian.  And who knows, maybe I'll run into a sheik who lets me choose a husband from among his seven sons. =P

A funny thing happened on the way to my divorce ...

So, remember back in January when I got divorced? Yeah, me too.  Except that I didn't.

Yep. Sigh.  It is quite a story, and quite frankly, one that could only happen in my bad-soap-opera-plot of a life.  Maybe someday I'll feel like getting into it ... maybe not ... but at least for now, I want to focus on looking forward, not backward.  What matters now is that I thought I was divorced, I wasn't, and now I am. At least, I'm 99% sure that I am, since I have yet to hold the decree in my own hands.  But it has been confirmed by the court clerk.

What this means is that I'm just now going through the logistical nightmare of insurance, car titles, cell phones, bank accounts etc.  And emotionally speaking, I'm right smack-dab back where I was at this time last year.  Whimper.

I don't pretend to know why this happened.  But one thing that keeps coming to mind is the Israelites that were left in bondage for 400 years.  One possible reason for this was to allow them to grow in numbers so that they could survive the population decimation that would be involved in getting them settled in  the Promised Land.  And no, I haven't grown in population, but I am nicely settled into my "real" job now, and I have a small cushion in my bank account.  I feel a lot calmer about being able to provide for myself.

Of course, I will have a vastly different standard of living -- I guess that's pretty much unavoidable, if you want to live independently and you're STARTING to prepare for retirement with twenty-some years to go.  No more cable TV, no more buying lunch at work, no more paid subscriptions of just about any kind.  I may never be a homeowner again, and if I ever go on another cruise, it certainly won't be in a suite. =P

But I can meet all of my material needs.  And although every other context of my life is currently in flux, I'm not starting a new job on top of everything else -- or even worse, wondering when the job will finally come through.

No sane person would ever want this.  Nobody consecrates their life and their eternity to somebody in the hopes that it will blow up their face.

But that's my cross to bear, for reasons I don't yet know.  And as far as 40-something divorcees go, I really have very little to complain about.  It will all work out in the end.  And in the meantime, I will continue to breathe. =)