For reasons that I will elaborate on shortly, the concept of authenticity has been on my mind quite a bit. And it has posed a small problem with regards to this blog. Well, two problems I guess. First: while it was a very purposeful choice to make this blog focus on optimism and hope (which, incidentally, I still think is a good way to go), it also means that I have to gloss over--or sometimes completely deny--my true feelings on the subject of divorce. Because for me, it's a pretty clear-cut issue: DIVORCE IS WRONG. Even when it's necessary, even when it's the best solution for all concerned, it is still WRONG.
Let me 'splain. I truly believe that if both spouses would do their best to follow the Savior, divorces would be virtually non-existent.
That doesn't mean we need to be perfect, of course -- we are all going to fall short at times. Probably quite often. Regardless, if we keep our eyes on the ultimate goal, and honestly strive for it with all our hearts, 99% of divorces don't need to happen. I want to leave that 1% open, because I'm sure there are circumstances that I haven't thought of -- brain injuries for example, or permanent mental breakdowns. But I can't think of a divorce offhand in which both spouses were doing their very best to make Christlike decisions and lead Christlike lives.
That is why I say it's wrong. It is a byproduct of sin. And it is always a tragedy. When a sealing is involved, it is doubly so. It's the death of an entire universe.
And it's my current reality. And it feels very dishonest at times to ignore that. Yes, I want to stay positive and have faith in the Lord's plan for me. But the eternal future that I consecrated myself to is dying, and that is one hell of a tragedy. Intentional word-play alert.
Now ... as I said, the authenticity issue involves a second problem. It also forces me to deal with some feelings of guilt. Because every time I say/think "Whew, what a relief to be off that crazy train!" ... what am I really saying? Am I being like Pontius Pilate, content to just wash my hands, and glad that somebody else will be left holding the bag come judgment day?
There are no easy answers, to be sure. But, as always, it feels better to have the questions articulated. =)
I am so proud of you. Above all don't give up hope. Having some place to go every day with people depending on you really helps. Love, Mom
ReplyDeleteFrom my understanding, being a person on the outside of everything, I believe that you have done everything in your power to make things work. You did your part on making things work with your relationship, and God.
ReplyDeleteThe problem that arose on what I see, was that you put all your faith, soul and heart into it but unfortantely the partner you chose did not. This is what led you to where are now.
This is something that you weren't expecting to have in life, and I envy you for being able to handle this situation very well and very strong.
Remember to always hold true to what you believe in, and who you want yourself to be and I am sure you will end up to where you want to be when the time is right for you. Stay the strong woman we know you are. And also know that you do have supportes out there that do love you for everything that you are, and that aren't.